April Judgement Day
by ShiftWithTheWind
Summary: Jean pulls off the epic prank of a lifetime when he convinces Eren that Squad Levi has devolved into mindless man-eaters and are attacking the farmhouse. It's a wholesale slaughter and the bloodiest April Fools Day you will ever see. Rated T for fake violence and foul language. Post Manga Chapter 51.


**SQUAD LEVI'S FARM. MARCH 31ST. THE ELEVENTH HOUR.**

* * *

"Open it, already man."

"Hold your horses."

It was pitch black. The door groaned and scraped on the dusty floor. The ripe scent of leather and tack wafted out. With a sharp scratch, a flame flared and the lantern burst with light to reveal Jean's creepy-ass smile. He stood next to Connie and stretched a presenting palm out. "Behold the fruit of my labor."

Connie poked his head far into the tack room, squinting. "Whoa. Holy shit. What's with all the jars of...is that _real_?"

"No, dumbass, I made it out of corn syrup and dye. I made all of this. Took me months.

Connie whipped a hurt look on his friend. "You've been planning this for months? And you're just now telling me, the night before you pull it off?"

Jean stared down at him with the graveness of a mortician. "Connie, you should feel..._blessed_ that I trusted you with this scheme at all. It's the greatest, most daring thing that you, no, that all of humanity could possibly imagine!" A manic glint shone in his caramel-colored eyes and Connie took a wary step backward.

"Are you sure everyone's in? I'm not going to be tricked into doing this all by myself."

"Everyone's in," said a new voice, quiet and perfectly level-toned.

Connie turned and gaped as the red-scarfed figure stepped into the lantern light. "You got _Mikasa _to do this? And...!" He stared at the line of people behind her - Armin, Historia, Sasha, Squad Leader Hanji and a half dozen more officers. And bringing up the rear..."Captain!"

Levi strode up to the front, his frown as unreadable as ever. "All right," he said. "Dawn is in six hours. Let's hurry up with this shit."

Jean crossed his arms on his chest, smiling so wide Connie could see his gums. "Yes!" He chuckled evilly and clutched the air in a triumphant fist. "Hahaha. Eren Jaegar! Brace for the fucking April Fools prank of your life!"

* * *

**APRIL 1ST.**

* * *

POW!

Eren bolted upright in his bed, ears ringing. _Gunfire?_ His sleepy eyes widened as he took in the state of the loft. Most of the beds were upturned and scooted close to the steps, blocking the barred trap door. The acrid taste of gunpowder bit his tongue and he heard another cracking gunshot.

"...the hell?"

"Eren! Thank Maria you're awake!" Panicked footsteps and suddenly Jean was on the bed with him, in his face, checking his eyes and head. Eren shoved him away.

"What the fuck, Jean...what are you _wearing_?"

Jean was armored head to foot in leather padding; it was sloppy and looked pieced together from whatever he could grab from the stables. He wore a ridiculous helmet made out of an old saddle and a musket rifle was slung over his shoulder. "Get up! We gotta get out of here. It's hell out there!" He grasped Eren's arm. "Can you walk?"

"What the hell is going on, Jean! Who's shooting?"

Jean grasped his shoulders, his voice hoarse with shock. "You're not going to believe it, man! It's some sort of virus! They all started eating each other! It all started three days ago, man, it was a nightmare!"

"WHAT!" Eren tried to stand up and staggered. Jean roughly shook him until he thought his eyes would pop out.

"You've been out for THREE fucking days, Eren! That last transformation really did a number on you."

"I _what?_ Where the hell is everybody!" Another gunshot stung their ears, followed by a blood-curdling scream.

"We're fending them off as best we can but they just keep coming!" Jean gripped the brim of his helmet, staring dramatically into space. "They won't fucking die. I've been protecting you, but we're almost out of..."

The loft's trap door bumped. Face white as a sheet, Jean leaped over the beds and threw his body weight on the door. "You're not getting up here, freaks!"

"Jean please let me in, please, oh gods!" Connie's voice wailed and the door rattled with his frantic pounding.

"Connie! Did they get you! Are you infected!"

Eren slowly stood, staring. "What the..."

Connie sobbed and knocked harder. BUMP-BUMP-BUMP-BUMP. "I'm sorry! Don't let them finish me off!"

Jean fell to all fours, clenching his fists and bowing his head. "I'm sorry! I can't!" Turned away from Eren, his mouth bit back a smirk.

"Jean PLEASE!"

"Step back, monster," snarled a black-burning voice further down.

"Captain! NO!" Connie begged, screaming.

"It's too late for you." BANG! Something thudded and rolled down the steps.

"Shit!" Eren reeled back, hands gripping his hair so hard he felt the fibers tear. "CONNIE!"

"Kirschstein, open up! We're making a break for it," Levi's voice barked.

Jean got up and took Eren's arm. "I'm sorry, we have to go, it's no good. We have to get out, now!"

He unlocked the door and pushed them through. Eren numbly followed, breathing hard. He was pushed past Connie's motionless corpse. Bright, viscous blood pooled around his head. Next second he saw Levi brandishing a smoking musket. The captain grabbed Eren's other arm and dragged the boys through the kitchen. Broken chairs, an upturned blood-stained table and what looked like another body all flashed into view.

"What the hell is going on..." Eren rasped.

"Judgment Day," Levi intoned flatly.

"Oh GODS..."

Jean bowed his head to hide another grin. They pulled the couch away from the door and as they unlocked the bolts they heard the swell of guttural groans and growling.

"Don't let them touch you!" Jean warned as with a heave he opened the door and led them all out into what looked like the brink of hell.

It was a scarred battle ground, bathed in cherry-red blood. A haze of gunpowder shrouded the scene, pierced only by high and desperate shouts. Eren's mouth dropped as he laid eyes on Armin's prone body by the stables, Historia shrieking by the pasture, and Sasha leading a crowd of dark, groaning figures, blood smearing their chins. They marched slowly for the farmhouse, closing in.

"Wha-?" Eren whimpered.

"Captain, on your left!" Jean cried out. Too late, Levi turned and was abruptly tackled to the ground by a bespectacled demon.

"Squad Leader!" Eren gasped.

The two officers both rolled in the mud, snarling and struggling like a couple of wild cats. With a sickeningly hungry yowl, Hanji got on top and her teeth sunk into Levi's neck.

"AGH! YUCK!" Levi bellowed, wrapping his arms around her head and twisting. She went limp, fell bodily on top of the captain and they both lay still.

"NOOOOO!" Eren clasped at Jean, choking. He looked about to faint.

"Fuck," Jean moaned, covering his mouth to stifle his laughter. _This going better than I could have dreamed! _"Come on, get back, get back! It's not safe!" He dragged Eren back to the door, only to stumble back when he heard a groan and Connie shuffled down the steps, blood dripping down his dead-eyed face. More drooling, faceless shadows followed behind.

"No, no, no, the other way! Run!"

They turned and bumped into Mikasa. Her black eyes were frozen.

"Eren." She fell against her foster brother, dropping her rifle. "I'm sorry."

"What?" He looked down and saw the blood blossoming through her uniform.

Jean watched, eyes wide. _Damn, she's really selling it._

"Everyone's sick. Everyone." Mikasa sagged. Eren held her, speechless. "You have to kill everyone," she whispered. "Wipe it out."

"What?" Eren hissed.

Mikasa gripped his hand. "Wipe everyone out." She collapsed in his arms, easing out a last breath.

Jean frowned as he and Eren stood still in the sudden silence.

_Wait. What did she say to him? Did she just tell him to..._

The wind swept up, blowing them both back. Eren convulsed, face flushing with the hot surge of blood and rage. His hands balled into fists and he let out a beastly roar, starting low, raw, growing louder and louder as it clawed and tore upward out of his throat.

Jean stepped back, blanching. "Eren..."

"Damn...THIS...HELLLL!" Eren screamed, steam gushing from his skin, muscles cracking and popping.

"Wait! Stop, man, this isn't-!" Jean yelped, falling on his butt. "It's a prank! It's fake! Don't! HOLY-!"

Electricity rent the air in half and bulging muscle exploded out of Eren's arm. The Titan-sized fist caught the terrified Jean up in one swipe. He screamed at the top of his lungs, struggling and cursing. Steam stung his eyes and his heart nearly beat his chest apart.

"STOP!" He shrieked with all his breath. "Stop! It's a prank, no one's dead, no one's dead, I swear, oh shit, I'm sorry, _ohgodsohgodsI'mgonnadiepleaseno!_"

He heard laughter. Breathless, he looked down to see Eren on his knees, shaking and pounding the ground.

"I got you, man, I got you so good!" The boy ripped his hand out of his Titan appendage and shot a cocky grin up at his rival. Mikasa sat up, the faintest of smiles curving her pink lips.

Everyone was getting up and gathering together, smiling and laughing. All except Levi, who pushed a giggling Hanji off of him with a grunt of disgust. They looked a gruesome bunch, covered in dirt, fake blood and ruined make-up. Connie peeled a sticky patch of dyed corn syrup and tree sap off his clearly uninjured head.

"Huh, so you knew all along?" he asked Eren.

"Mikasa told me everything." Eren crossed his arms smugly.

"It was Armin's idea to use Jean's own prank against him," Mikass added, and Armin looked down sheepishly.

"Oh...you..." Jean gritted his teeth. The giant fist burned and crumpled in the sunlight, dropping him. "Oof! You son of a bitch! I thought I was gonna die!"

"Serves you right, Horseface," Eren snapped. "You wanted to make me believe everybody was eating each other and raising hell! What kind of sick joke is that?"

"A _messy one_," Levi cut in. He stood in the center, steely gaze drawing everyone's attention. "All right, idiots, time to clean up your shit. Twelve hours until dusk. Get to work."

Scowling, Jean pulled off his saddle-helmet and chucked it in the mud. "Great. Just fucking great. I hate my life. And now I need a change of pants."

**End.**

**A/N**

**Happy April Fools!**

...

**Okay one last scene:**

* * *

"That was a lot of work for just a prank," Eren admitted as the kids sat at the table that evening, stuffing down food after a long day of cleaning. "I'd never guess Jean could pull so much shit together. How did you get the captain to go along?"

"He was against it at first," Sasha said through a mouthful of food. She swallowed. "Then Squad Leader Hanji promised she would fake his brutal death right in front of you..."

"And then he goes, 'When's rehearsal?'" Jean said, imitating Levi's deadpan voice.

"You _rehearsed_?"

"Of course we did. It was a coordinated effort and had to go perfectly." Jean stared hollowly at his food. "All those months, so much work...wasted..."

"Oh get over it, it was so worth the look on your face." Connie grinned, slapping his friend's back. He gave Eren an odd look. "What's with the blue paint on your hands, man?"

Eren glanced at his fingers and shrugged. "Squad Leader did that earlier; she said it was for an experiment. Where is she anyway?"

The door to Levi's room flipped open and slammed against the wall. The squad jumped, freezing in place at the sight of their captain standing rigid in the doorway. His voice flayed the skin off their bones.

"Brats. I have just one question." He held up his cravat. The snow-white satin was peppered in bright blue polka dots. "_Who?_"

No one budged. Carefully, Eren started to lower his hands to his lap, and then saw Connie's smirk. He gasped as his wrist was grabbed and thrust up in the air for all to see.

"Hands up, criminal scum!"

A resounding explosion of voices and the crash of tipped furniture burst out of the farmhouse. Startled birds scattered from the trees and flew away into the waning dusk.


End file.
